Quick thoughts on this season: Food Network Star is a totally different animal from Top Chef. For every reason that it is different, I prefer Top Chef way more – its emphasis on cooking, the cutthroat nature of the challenges, the level of difficulty and innovation required, the culinary pedigree of the contestants.
Top Chef is about finding the absolute best chef out of the contestants – Food Network Star is about finding a very good chef who also has an infectious personality and can be relatable to greater America. And since greater America doesn’t emphasize home-cooking like a Michelin three star chef, for practical reasons the food that Food Network Star showcases seems like it’s a cut below what you would expect on Top Chef.
That being said, I’m going to tape-delay-quasi-live-blog1 the event. But before that, here is a quick rundown of what I think about the show to date:
The vast majority of the contestants make me want to kill myself, for various reasons. Howie couldn’t cook. Juba had a nervous giggle and wouldn’t shut up. Katy looked like she was incompetent all the time. Alicia WOULD NOT STOP CRYING. Justin B. had the personality of a rock. Justin D. didn’t have the talent to make it. Orchid wilted under pressure. Chris had the maturity level of a six-year-old. Penny was an evil conniving bitch who backstabbed everyone, which would have been awesome, but then she bitched and whined about being excluded from the group, which made me hate her guts for being a total hypocrite. Jyll had a smile that looked pasted onto her face, and looked like her personality had been airbrushed fifteen times over. Also Jyll’s name was spelled Jyll, which is plenty reason enough to hate her. And Whitney was an Asian-American mixed girl who was pretty damn hot.2
Well, that covers all of our eliminated contestants to date. I loved Whitney, but last week made me realize that if she had a show on Food Network I definitely would not be all that intrigued. Of the four remaining contestants:
 |
| Chicago's self-dubbed "Sandwich King" |
Jeff is from Chicago (bonus point) and wants to do a show about sandwiches, from the simple to high-class (bonus point for sandwiches).
 |
| Girl with the infectious smile and cheerful personality |
Susie is super cute (five bonus points) and wants to do a show about Mexican food and her unique take on it (bonus point for authenticity).
 |
| The indomitable Vic "Vegas" Moea |
Vic looks absolutely ridiculous but has an awesome personality (bonus point for being likeable), and wants to do a show called Mama’s Boy (bonus point for having a title that would make me want to tune in immediately) about home-cooked Italian food (bonus point for Italian food).
 |
| The villain. |
Mary Beth looks like she has a stick up her ass (bonus negative point), caused a shit ton of drama in the house (bonus negative point), cooks very middle of the pack food (bonus negative point for being indistinctive), makes me want to punch her when she is on screen (bonus negative point for pissing me off), and looks kind of dumpy (a million bonus negative points because I said so).
So let’s recap: Susie is at +6, Vic is at +3, Jeff is at +2, and Mary Beth is at -1,000,004. Sounds about right.
My prediction? Mary Beth gets eliminated today. She’s the only one who I would not watch on Food Network by a wide mile, and the other three all make better food than her. Her saving grace to date is that as a food blogger she’s very well-spoken, but I don’t see her beating any of the other three.3
01:35 – After the opening sequence of the show, the first scene is Susie doing her hair and Mary Beth talking to her in the bathroom. My hatred for Mary Beth is instantaneously reaffirmed.
02:34 – The contestants walk into their challenge and it’s basically Kitchen Stadium. Looks like its Iron Chef Food Network Star today! Maybe they’ll actually judge solely on the quality of food for a rare change – but I bet there’s going to be some stupid “camera challenge” –esque gimmick thrown in.
03:10 – Yep. Alton Brown tells us that two finalists will battle at a time, and the other two will give commentary when they are not battling.
03:58 – Jeff gets to pick his opponent – and picks Susie. His rationale is that she’s smiling at him with a “pick me!” face. What a terrible choice. He could have cooked against Mary Beth and crushed her soul. Instead, this should be a pretty evenly matched cook-off.
04:54 – Sous chefs are past eliminated contestants Whitney, Jyll, Chris, and Penny. Jeff picks Whitney because he won the last challenge and gets to choose; the other three get randomly assigned. Pairings: Vic/ Jyll, Susie/ Chris, Mary Beth/ Penny. If history is any indication, Mary Beth and Penny will be all fake smiles and sugarcoated niceties this entire episode, causing me to vomit. And then somehow they will produce awesome food and Mary Beth will skate by barely onto the next round.
Jeff getting Whitney is like being allowed to bring a grenade launcher to a water balloon fight. She is miles more talented than the other sous chefs. My revised prediction? Jeff beats Susie, with thanks to Whitney, and Vic obliterates Mary Beth when Penny and her get into yet another kitchen fight and derails her entire menu.
05:27 – Mary Beth and Vic go first. The secret ingredient is rack of lamb – Alton Brown does the most horrific, uninspired Chairman impersonation I’ve ever seen in my life. No one can open an episode of Iron Chef except the Chairman. This is a truthfact.
06:45 – Mary Beth’s idea of three dishes is doing three racks of lamb three different ways. I am pretty sure that’s one dish – rack of lamb three ways. Also any time you are in an Iron Chef battle and the casual home viewer (me) thinks of more innovative food than you can, you’re in a shit ton of trouble. Vic goes for a lamb carpaccio, a lamb burger patty melt, and a third dish TBD.
09:41 – Michael Symon claims that Penny is moving at the speed of dirt. The camera shows her fiddling around with a lamb chop while languishing around. I haven’t seen someone try to throw a match this badly since the Chicago Black Sox.
10:55 – Vic reveals his third dish – a lamb chop with a mint-grand mariner sauce. Sounds more like a flavor of ice cream than a sauce, to be honest.
12:00 – On the commentary side, Jeff is obliterating Susie. He’s way more confident talking on the fly, while Susie is busy coming up with phrases like, “the green asparagus is fibery-er-er.” Fibrous, I believe, is the word you’re looking for, Susie. Also we get another shot of Penny looking like she’s just going to lollygag her way through this entire challenge. I could chop vegetables faster than this two-faced bitch. I don’t like Mary Beth very much, but I feel bad that she’s not getting a fair shake.
12:30 – Giada tells Alton, who comments on Penny’s porky pace. I have seen the moon wax and wane at a faster rate than this woman’s movements. She shrugs in response. Of course she does. There is not a single person in this competition that I hate more than Penny. I hope karma bites her in the ass, like in the form of a mosquito bite on your back that you can’t quite reach and scratch. That shit is ANNOYING.
 |
| Thank you, Food Network Humor, for this absolute gem. |
13:15 – Vic demonstrates how he likes his French fries cooked, and then bites into one to show how “crunchy” they are. They snap like peanut brittle. Get ready for some burnt French fry backlash, Vic!
15:29 – Giada and Vic exchange an awkward thumbs-up fist pound. I feel awkward just writing that sentence. The good news is it’s in response to his very well received Lamburger. The bad news is that they then immediately blast him for his overcooked French fries.
16:14 – The look on Michael Symon’s face when he tastes the mint-grand mariner sauce says it all. He looks like he just swallowed Clorox on accident.
18:12 – Mary Beth’s lamb is consistently reviewed as overcooked. Apparently she managed to do lamb three ways and then overcook it three ways. Giada demonstrates by stabbing at her lamb with her knife – followed by Mary Beth taking the knife and flinging it at Penny in a blind rage. Oh wait, sorry. That’s just what I wish happened.
20:00 – Time for Susie and Jeff – they get lobster as their secret ingredient. Susie’s three conceptualized dishes – ceviche, tomato-base lobster stew with potato cake, cilantro pasta enchilada stuffed with lobster. Her take on Mexican food makes me think of Rick Bayless, but scaled back a little bit.
Jeff’s three conceptualized dishes – lobster roll, BLAT (bacon, lobster, avocado, tomato) sandwich, baha-style lobster taco. All three sound AWESOME. This is why I would definitely watch his show.
21:25 – Alton chokes out a few laughs at Mary Beth’s commentary about the bisque being a “cushy little bed” (what?) and then stares into the camera and says, “That’s not funny.” High point of the episode so far.
22:11 – Harissa, apparently, is “toothpaste for the devil, Alton.” According to Vic, at least. Considering he’s been put on the spot and is clearly making shit up, I’d say that’s not bad as far as improv goes.
23:00 – There are no avocados in Kitchen Stadium for Jeff’s BLAT sandwich. What kind of Kitchen Stadium is this? This is a farce! This is not real Iron Chef!
24:40 – Alton Brown grills Mary Beth about sea salt, and Mary Beth wilts under pressure when asked what kind of salt isn’t sea salt (apparently all salt is sea salt, since without the sea there is no salt. LAWYERED). I am deriving way too much joy out of watching her squirm and struggle today.
25:30 – Susie decides to roll her enchiladas in swiss chard instead to save time – an intriguing take on them that could send her dish over the top in terms of innovation.
28:00 – The judges rave over Susie’s dishes and how wonderful they all are. Jeff’s dishes emphasize his point of view well, with the minor quibble being his use of store-bought vs. home made mayo.
32:20 – Evaluation time. Mary Beth spends her entire time nodding stoically to the judges’ comments. Also she looks like she is dressed as a nun. Maybe if this was Convent Network Star she could win.
34:40 – Vic catches some flak for his improvisation job commentating and for being too soft as a critic. The guy looks like a meathead but is really more of a big fluffy teddy bear – he doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. He’s also impossible to dislike.
35:30 – More talk about Jeff’s mayo. But, more importantly, the judges speak to Jeff’s charm on the floor commentating and critiquing. This is the number one reason why I think he’s the guy to beat in this competition.
36:30 – It’s clear Susie’s food is the best in this episode. She gets dinged a little for being scatterbrained while commentating. I know its necessary for the job of Food Network Star, but I hate how much of a role camera personality and presence plays in the whole competition. Just give me Top Chef 9 already.
37:30 – Susie wins battle lobster, and Vic wins battle rack of lamb. There is not a chance in hell Jeff is tossed before Mary Beth. Score this one a win for Penny the conniving sous chef!
 |
| Sorry, Sister Mary Beth. The elimination bell tolls for thee. |
40:00 – We have a loser: see ya, Mary Beth. Another week of Food Network Star comes to an end. Only the finale is left – as much as I rag on the show, I’m excited to watch it and see how it all plays out. On to the next week!
1. Get all of that? The show airs Sundays at 9/ 8c, but doesn’t make it to Hulu until Thursdays, which is how I’m watching it, so it’s on tape delay. It’s also not exactly live blogging since I get to pause the show and write down whatever I want instead of writing and watching simultaneously, plus I won’t publish anything until I get to polish everything up and make it coherent. Otherwise this post would be filled with me screaming obscenities at the contestants for being annoying as shit.↩
2. In case I wasn’t clear, that’s not a reason to hate her. I love mixed girls. They are to be celebrated. Whitney got the boot because, in my opinion, she didn’t have “star power”, as the judges like to refer to all the time – that ability to connect with her audience instantaneously. I couldn’t really argue with her elimination last week.↩
3. My prediction for the rest of this season: Winner, Jeff, 2nd place, Vic, 3rd place, Susie, 4th, Mary Beth. ↩
No comments:
Post a Comment